Stay

It’s 3 a.m. and all I can think about is the future. I found a 21 month program to earn my required degree in my desired field, which is a dream come true. But what does that mean for Jaks? Twenty one months. Older than he is now. He has always stayed home with me while I go to school online, and rarely allows for anyone else to even hold him, much less stay with them for a long period of time. It breaks my heart to think about how much he will grow in that amount of time, and how much I will miss. It’s a full time program with 6-7 classes for two semesters, and work experience for 3 semesters, which means I would be gone at school nearly all day and then I would be working on homework when I was home. Despite my need for stability and a job that can support us I can’t help but question whether this is the right thing to do, because as I look beside me at my little boy my heart sinks. In just 13 months I have seen him grow into the kindest, squirmiest, most selfless human being on earth. He shares everything with me, and finds happiness in the simplest of things. Our bond is something that I never want to lose. Would I risk losing him if I go through with this program? Would he lack stability and a connection to his family? Could this make him feel sad and like I don’t want to be around him anymore? I never want him to feel that…

I want to stay in this moment, right here, forever. His little baby feet peeking out from under his baby bum like a turtle (the way he has slept since he was a wee lad) and waking up every few hours to squirm his way over to me and lay his head on my chest. His soul is so pure and innocent now. I waste the days away trying to keep him busy instead of savoring these special moments I have with him. I convince myself that somehow what I think I need to do, like clean or shower or do something on my phone or look for scholarships or blogging or whatever. Somehow I convince myself that it’s more important than being here, in this moment, soaking all of this up. After months and months of searching for a program that I could finish within a short period of time and one that would set me free and allow us to start our own life, I have found one. One that would give me my dream job. A life that I crave, without struggle and charity from others. But I’m so scared to take the leap. I’m scared of what I might be leaving behind.

I don’t often turn to God, because truthfully growing up we rarely stayed in one place long enough to find a good church. So all I really know is what I’ve pieced together from reading the first few pages of the Bible and what I’ve heard in movies or from people around me. I lack any education about religion, which leaves me feeling kind of hypocritical asking for God’s help in my time of need. But here I am, hoping, wishing, praying for the right answer.

Guide me through this life. Give me the strength to make decisions and the patience my little one deserves. Help me be the mom that I can be, that doesn’t take my time with my little one for granted. Someone who makes him smile and laugh all the time. Help me use my phone less and connect more. Create memories with these moments. Live to the fullest. Be the best version of me.

I just want to make him proud, and for him remember his childhood as a good place. I wish I could stay here,with Jaks in my arms and his hand in mine forever. But I can’t. So I’ll have to choose.

The photo is one from over the summer, and I miss the sun and when Jaks was this little. I loved this little bear suit ❤Thanks for always being a good listener (@ my blog).

XO, J

 

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