Moving Day

Today’s the day- we’re moving!

Jakson has always lived in the same house so I’m a little curious as to how he will react to being in a new place. Is he going to be scared? Excited? Sad?Meanwhile, I was up all night packing because I hadn’t even STARTED yet until yesterday (I know) & instead of getting most of it done yesterday during the day time, I invited a friend over to say goodbye and basically ended up talking/ dancing/ laughing the day away. Whoops.

So anyways, it’s 8 a.m. and Jaks is still asleep so  I’m going to take this time to freaking breathe and relax before spending nine hours in the car with a one year old, two dogs, and my mother. I think I am sufficiently prepared. I packed lots of snacks, chocolate, a blanket and pillow, change of clothes, singing seahorse (aka the only thing that puts Jakson to sleep besides boob), phone charger, diapers, teething tablets, and a kindle with some movies on it for the ride. Am I missing anything?

(Hours later)

Well, we’re about an hour into our 9 hour drive and we are freaking POOPED. Jakson refused to eat breakfast this morning so naturally he was starving the minute we left the house and nursed me dry, which made me feel starving so we just stopped for burrito bowls (YES!). After we ate Jakson fell asleep almost immediately and now I’ve got a minute to document our big move:

Despite the bumpy road and smelly car because TWO DOGS AND A BABY- the trip is beautiful. Pine trees everywhere, snow, river…. it’s endless. If you have never driven through the Rocky Mountains of Idaho / Wyoming, put it on your bucket list. Jackson Hole is a must and although it’s pretty expensive to stay there, you can get a cheap hotel/ b&b just on the other side of the mountain in the cutest town called victor, Idaho! The whole area is a freakin postcard y’all. And that is where I have lived for the last FIVE YEARS. But I am so excited for what’s to come in our new home & we will be closer to my sister and my best friend Mattie. Not only will we be adding good people to our life, but eliminating negative ones as well. The valley is so pretty and I will miss my view, but the people there are so cliquey and gossipy and stuck up, especially when you had a child at 16. (I can’t even go to the grocery store without feeling people stop and stare and whisper and its really annoying.) There’s honestly only 1-2 people that I will genuinely miss, which is pretty sad considering I’ve called this place my home for 5 years. But one thing I have learned in the last two of those five is that having a child in high school will prove who your real friends are; and that is something I am thankful for. I’m taking this new beginning as an opportunity to start over, drama free. New home. New number. No social media. No negativity. A fresh start is exactly what we need. I am happy to leave the past behind and finally say that we made it through!

Here are some (pretty unquality) pictures from the ride:

Happy Thursday y’all!

xo, J&J

Advertisements

What’s new 

With family visiting my week has been crazy. but as always, I find myself too lazy to lay Jakson down in his bed for a nap (mostly because I fear him waking up and me not getting my mid-day break) so instead of doing chores that need doing I’m sitting here with him in my arms doing nothing.

These moments -with his sweaty little head in the nook of my arms and his toothless dreaming smiles appearing across his face every now and then- are what I live for. Through all the tantrums and whining and driving me semi-crazy, this is what makes it all worth it. This week was rough because we have a lot going on. Not only are we getting ready for a move on Sunday (which I haven’t even started packing for- AHHH!) but my brother, his wife and his new baby are here visiting and aren’t leaving until Saturday. It has been so overwhelming with the move coming up and the excitement of meeting my new nephew, that Jakson got a little lost in the midst of it all. His poor teeth still haven’t come in and it seems like he’s been teething for 6 months, but this week was really rough for him. He got shots, had sore and swollen gums, and had to adjust to not being the baby in the house anymore with his cousin around. Truth is, I was so caught up in my busy week that I didn’t give him the understanding, patience and attention he deserved during this rough time for him. I didn’t realize this until the worst of it was over, and I had already lost my patience with him more than I’d like to admit. He wanted to be held all day & night and cried for what seemed to me like no reason. He threw fits when he didn’t get what he wanted and it wasn’t like the occasional fit that toddlers have, it was constant. Like every ten minutes, for three days. I was tired (still am) and my patience dwindled by the end of each day. Now I realize that he was in pain and he was probably just getting fussy because of it.

This is what parenting is about I guess; trial and error. Taking the good with the bad. Yes, we had a rough week and I wasnt always the happy and fun mom I try to be, but there’s always tomorrow. For now I’m just soaking in this little moment: holding him while he sleeps, sneaking in my kisses before the wakes up and turns his head at them.

Motherhood is hard but dang I love being Jakson’s momma so freaking much. I should spend more time being thankful & less time being busy.

xx  J

Stay

It’s 3 a.m. and all I can think about is the future. I found a 21 month program to earn my required degree in my desired field, which is a dream come true. But what does that mean for Jaks? Twenty one months. Older than he is now. He has always stayed home with me while I go to school online, and rarely allows for anyone else to even hold him, much less stay with them for a long period of time. It breaks my heart to think about how much he will grow in that amount of time, and how much I will miss. It’s a full time program with 6-7 classes for two semesters, and work experience for 3 semesters, which means I would be gone at school nearly all day and then I would be working on homework when I was home. Despite my need for stability and a job that can support us I can’t help but question whether this is the right thing to do, because as I look beside me at my little boy my heart sinks. In just 13 months I have seen him grow into the kindest, squirmiest, most selfless human being on earth. He shares everything with me, and finds happiness in the simplest of things. Our bond is something that I never want to lose. Would I risk losing him if I go through with this program? Would he lack stability and a connection to his family? Could this make him feel sad and like I don’t want to be around him anymore? I never want him to feel that…

I want to stay in this moment, right here, forever. His little baby feet peeking out from under his baby bum like a turtle (the way he has slept since he was a wee lad) and waking up every few hours to squirm his way over to me and lay his head on my chest. His soul is so pure and innocent now. I waste the days away trying to keep him busy instead of savoring these special moments I have with him. I convince myself that somehow what I think I need to do, like clean or shower or do something on my phone or look for scholarships or blogging or whatever. Somehow I convince myself that it’s more important than being here, in this moment, soaking all of this up. After months and months of searching for a program that I could finish within a short period of time and one that would set me free and allow us to start our own life, I have found one. One that would give me my dream job. A life that I crave, without struggle and charity from others. But I’m so scared to take the leap. I’m scared of what I might be leaving behind.

I don’t often turn to God, because truthfully growing up we rarely stayed in one place long enough to find a good church. So all I really know is what I’ve pieced together from reading the first few pages of the Bible and what I’ve heard in movies or from people around me. I lack any education about religion, which leaves me feeling kind of hypocritical asking for God’s help in my time of need. But here I am, hoping, wishing, praying for the right answer.

Guide me through this life. Give me the strength to make decisions and the patience my little one deserves. Help me be the mom that I can be, that doesn’t take my time with my little one for granted. Someone who makes him smile and laugh all the time. Help me use my phone less and connect more. Create memories with these moments. Live to the fullest. Be the best version of me.

I just want to make him proud, and for him remember his childhood as a good place. I wish I could stay here,with Jaks in my arms and his hand in mine forever. But I can’t. So I’ll have to choose.

The photo is one from over the summer, and I miss the sun and when Jaks was this little. I loved this little bear suit ❤Thanks for always being a good listener (@ my blog).

XO, J

 

Day by Day

Today was rough. It’s hard to admit when I have the biggest blessing (Jaks), because I almost feel like I’m taking it for granted, but man. Today was so rough.  From the very first one-eye-opened sleepy face this morning until the last call before bed, Jakson has been sooooo grumpy. I did what I always do when he gets fussy, I tried to see if his teeth were bothering him and gave him some tablets to ease the pain. I put on cartoons. I played with him in his toybox and I even carried him around and let him help me do the laundry and the dishes and all the other house chores that seem to never be finished- which by the way resulted in a numb arm and a worn out mama. But he wasn’t buying it. I would set him down, he’d cry. I would pick him up, he’d cry. Honestly by about noon I was so exhausted that I felt like I was going to lose my temper, which isn’t like me. I had all these negative thoughts running through my head like, “why is he being so bad?” and “what am I doing wrong?”… It’s hard to think rationally, or at all when you have a screaming baby. So I told him “no” about 500 times and tried to distract him unsuccessfully. It is so hard to figure out this parenting thing because if I yell, it makes me feel bad. It makes Jak feel bad. And the situation doesn’t improve. If I don’t yell he doesn’t listen and I feel like I’m just letting him get away with it and he’s going to turn into the kid at the grocery store who screams and throws fits. Where is the other option? He isn’t old enough to have conversations about what is right and wrong… I just don’t even know what I’m doing and need HELP. Please mamas. Give me your best strategies for dealing with pre-toddlers and keeping your cool and being a good mom and keeping them busy please please pleaseeeee.

On the other hand, a few good things did happen today. First of all Jakson and I dance like everyday and I waltz him around in my arms through the living room, and today he FINALLY started dancing on his own! He’s been doing his hands for a while but today he started bouncing and using his arms all together! It was so cute! Another good thing that happened is I finished season 2 of outlander and it was crazyyyyy wow. If you haven’t seen outlander I highly recommend, I am in love with James Fraser and he totally changed my opinion of red haired men. Now I just have to wait and wait and wait until season 3 comes out!

So at the end of the day, it was a learning experience and I’m pretty tired so this post wasn’t as meaningful or quality as I wanted it to be but hey, that’s life. I’m just another mama taking it day by day, trying to figure out the secret to parenthood. (If you have it, help a sister out please.)Goodnight y’all, falling asleep while writing th . . .
JK. But really. Tired.

Peacing out and taking a nap, like Corinne before a rose ceremony.

– XO, Jordan